Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Nancy's Poem...its like she took the thoughts right out of my mind.

The preemie experience is the shattering of all your dreams

For a normal, healthy delivery,

Of the ability to carry home a beautiful squirming bundle

After a short stay in the hospital.

It is lying there in your hospital room listening to

The happy sounds of whole families joined

Together by the birth of a grandchild, cousin, niece,

Or nephew, and knowing that your

Child is miles away and may not survive long enough

For you to see or simply touch.

It is that first glimpse of a skinny, scrawny, not much bigger

Than a Barbie doll child

And feeling, fear, awe, and joy for such a fragile soul.

It is sitting by your baby’s “bedside” day after day,

Week after week, month after month,

Alternating between the emotional high of “Look, her eyes are open,” or “She’s crying!”

And the lows of “I’m sorry, Mrs. Moore. Something has

Shown up in Lauren’s ultrasound,”

Or even “There is nothing we can do…”

It is hearing the alarms go off for the twentieth time in less

Than fifteen minutes because your

Child’s heart rate keeps hitting zero.

It is watching children dying around you, wondering if

Your child will be next.It is hearing your child’s cry of distress as the nurses

Insert yet another IV and do another

Round of daily blood tests.It is meeting other parents of children who are doing far better

And wondering, “Why me?”

And meeting parents of children who have just died,

And praising God for His mercy

To your child and feeling guilty because your child is alive

And someone else is grieving for theirs.

It is days of nightmarish testing and coping with less

Than positive results to the tests.

It is days of joy at seeing the first eyelash appear,

The child gain a whole ounce in one day,

And two bright shiny eyes look at you and into your soul,

And knowing that your child now recognizes you as Mama .

It is that final hurdle before coming home!

It is the sorrow of waiting for the monitor company

Representative to show you what to do

If the alarm sounds when your child is choking,

Gasping for breath, or simply dying.

It is the joy of just being away from all those nurses

And tubes and wires and beeps, and

Walking into the nursery you hastily prepared because, after all,

The child wasn’t due for another four months!

It is thinking the nightmare is over…only to realize it still

Continues in the form of

Such acronyms as PVL, RSV, BPD, CP and numerous others.

It is the final realization that those developmental delays

Have to be dealt with,

That reflux is a normal and unfortunate occurrence in most preemies,

That the constant fight to gain weight is in direct proportion

To a preemie’s ability to do so.

It is the mental images of a child running and playing

And communicating with others in a

Perfectly normal manner that are marred when you face years of therapy

In order to simply get the child to eat by himself or herself,

To talk or walk and then run.

The preemie experience is a journey…

A journey through your soul in order to find the faith and strength to cope,

A journey of the mind when you face the emotional weariness,

A journey of the heart…to accept that, no matter what,
This child is yours,

And you will love this child no matter what.